i awaken a little early today. kind of restless and in need of some grounding. its also Shabe-Barath, an Islamic holy day. I really wish i had the vocabulary and the historical significance to explain to my readers what the exact significance is, but unfortunately i do not have that at the present moment. Inshallah [God Willing] I will.
this will be a short blurb, because i know today will be multiple post day. in fact, i know i have much to get off my chest. whether or not its relevant or news worthy to you is not the question. you can simply glaze over this as nothing more than my inner mind chatter. i wont be offended.
the last few days i have been seriously under weather. i don't have the flu or have a cold or allergies. i feel though, that i am weak, exhausted, and very fatigued. The H insists i go to the doctor or then fuel my electrolytes consistently. He is kind. I just don't like medicine. every time i visit the doctor for a good few hours following the visit i am a hypochondriac. I would say for the last 4 years, i have seriously dodged the flu. [knock on wood!] and i attribute that to my homeopathic and natural medicine immune building. I take my vitamin C, echinacea, drink plenty of water, and try to stay preservative free. If i do ever "suffer", it's migraines and ulcers. I have had migraines since i was 11 and an Ulcer since high school. Now I will pause and let you soak that in.
Obviously, if you are anything like me, you will break down your body's makeup and condition into a Metaphysical Being. Why would you have an ulcer for so long? what's bothering you? when do you have an attack? that would be very long and tedious for me to explain. I am lazy this morning. The H is still sleeping. Trust that i will get into that eventually in some post of mine. Because I firmly believe there is a MIND and BODY connection.
coffee probably isn't the best thing for me, especially Black. I have the cheap stuff this morning, it doesn't make much noise. The Beans, I have are Arabian Dark Roast from Dietrich's in Houston. I am also out of non-fat creamer and the cheap coffee needs some heavy sugaring to make it enjoyable. Two more Equals and I think I will be happy.
OK. what is the point of this post? Frankly, i have been irritated
lately. I thought I was maturing and becoming a better, peaceful, and
compassionate person. HA! Just when I thought I was stepping back into
my peace loving old body, I was struck by annoyance. Yesterday I
realized, I am no better than I was last year. I still don't have tolerance for stupid people, more so, ignorant
people. I can't relate with that. I just can't. But what bothers me is
that my tolerance level is low. Maybe the word I should be using is
compassion rather than tolerance? I don't know exactly why I am so
annoyed. In fact, the "ignorant" people that my snobby elitist alter
ego refers to, are really NICE people. Nice and stupid.
See what I
mean? UGH! Ignorant and mean sometimes are synonymous, but in my case,
these are just sweet and tender hearted people that need a clue, or
mini semester of Reality Check 101 at the local community college.
Seriously, i think my annoyance, come to think of it, stems from frustration that some sweet people are living in a bubble. That safe bubble is a beautiful place to be in, but when its bursts, its so overwhelming and literally consumes you. I guess I see myself in people in that regards. I have had many rude awakenings to toughen me up so to speak. That's why I have to consciously remind myself to stay soft, compassionate and work on peace.
Another dark thing that I discovered lately, its really hard [for me at least] to be 100 percent judgment free. In fact, i would be SO hurt and shocked if someone judged me and considered me nice but stupid or stupid but nice! I always go out on the limb and say that I am not that the holier than thou-self righteous bitch i may seem to be. But I would be lying to you, if I said i was completely judgment free. Which God willing, I am 95.3 percent there. 50.3 percent because i am cognizant of it, and the 40 percent because i stop myself before i assume. Maybe its my middle class values? The own struggles my family fought when they established themselves as American Muslims in this country? Maybe because I have been blessed with so many gifts and worked harder for smaller "things" that I have a different perspective? Or maybe I do in fact put on rose colored glasses from time to time, because the reality doesn't suit my own personal being? Who knows? What I do know, that I am going to continue to work to be more mindful, compassionate, and loving. [those of you who know me in the real world, know that I am what I am].
I guess the conclusion I should come to is, as long as I work towards good in all aspects of my life, I will feel rewarded. If i can truly be in the purist sense a LOVING person, then my voice will resonate in more hearts, and my heart will appreciate different souls stories and themes.
my coffee is cold.
see you all later,
mermaid
